I was talking with a
friend the other day, explaining everything that had happened with my
ex-publisher, Vanilla Heart. I was
unaware at the time that one of my kids was within earshot of our
conversation. That night my son said, “Mom,
you’re really mad at your publisher aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I answered.
“But you’re gonna
forgive her, right?” He asked, his eyes
wide with innocence.
Out of the mouths of
babes. All at once my anger came to a
screeching halt and I was thrust into the precarious position of deciding
whether to live by example or let my child see that I was a hypocrite. After all, how many times had I told him that
we are to forgive others, never hold grudges, and love them as we would like to
be loved. I closed my eyes and inhaled
slowly. I had a tough decision. Would I be the mother who says, “Do as I say,
not as I do?” Or would I admit that even
though forgiveness can be difficult, it’s always the right choice.
I exhaled. “Yes, I’m going to forgive her,” I said.
“Even though she hurt
you?” He searched my face for the
answer.
“Yes, even though she
hurt me.”
That night I lay in
bed under a blanket of conviction, unable to sleep. My mind kept churning over all that had
happened and I found myself wondering, am I strong enough to forgive her? Do I have it in me? I honestly didn’t know.
The next morning I awoke
still feeling conflicted. I wanted to be
able to forgive, but I was still angry. What
she did was wrong. I felt betrayed and I
had a right to be angry. Mulling over my
thoughts, I walked around the house picking up all of the random stuff the kids
left strewn throughout and returned each item to the correct room. The last item I scooped up was a football
shaped dog-tag necklace that my son wears.
For some reason I happened to glance downward at it and noticed that
engraved on the back it read, “I can do all things through Christ who
strengthens me. Phil. 4:13”
Chills darted up the
back of my neck as realization swept over me.
I was holding the answer in my hand, literally. I didn’t need to be strong enough to forgive
because God is strong enough. He would
make forgiveness possible for me. All I had to do was let go of the anger and
ask for help.
Am I still upset by
the injustice of what Vanilla Heart publishing did? Yes.
But I am no longer dwelling in a continual place of anger. I forgive my ex-publisher. I would still like to understand “why” she
did it, but whatever the reason, it warrants no more anger from me. In fact, I found myself sympathetically praying
for her.
People do
unscrupulous things…maybe it’s because they are desperate…maybe it’s because of
something beyond my capacity to fathom…I don’t know the answer. I wish I did.
But, I know that forgiveness brings freedom and love covers a multitude
of sin. I know that second chances are
real and sometimes that’s all that a person needs…a “do-over.”
That is not to say
that I would ever give Vanilla Heart a “do-over” at publishing my books,
because financial trust has been violated.
But, in my heart, in life, I’m holding no ill-will and wishing her
health and happiness.
Out of the mouths of
babes can come the purest of wisdom...and for that I am grateful. ~
