I received an email from a man asking me how I came to
believe sex was so important in marriage and asking me if I could convince his
wife to share my belief. The email made
me laugh and also tugged at my heart.
Marriage is hard work.
It’s not all lovey-dovey, cutsey-wootsey, snuggley-buggley warmth. There are some very cold, distant caves
hidden in wedded bliss; some caused by mistakes and some just by a lack of
time, communication and priority. It
takes commitment on every level. You
have to give your body, your mind and your heart; not just one, but all. For a marriage to thrive, both partners must
be ALL in, ALL invested, ALL of the time.
Sex is one part of what makes up a good marriage. It is one form of intimacy, and it should be
noted that ALL forms of intimacy are necessary to keep the engine humming.
Years ago, my marriage was stagnant. My husband and I weren’t connecting and I
didn’t feel as close to him as I had previously. We weren’t fighting a lot, but we had grown
apart and there was a distance in our hearts.
He was traveling a lot and I was exhausted with my job and the kids… by
the time we got any time together we were, quite frankly, too tired to connect,
physically or emotionally. Neither one
of us was content or fulfilled.
We decided to conduct a little experiment. While talking over Margaritas and nachos we
devised a jump-start plan of action.
Determined to re-connect with one another, we made a sexual commitment. We vowed to make-love every day. Every day for one month. (He traveled so we weren’t able to hit the
every day mark, but we did have sex every day that he was in town.) We began this experiment in August and during
that first month we had sex 24 of the 31 days.
Our relationship was taken to a new level! We were talking more, laughing more, enjoying
our stolen moments and looking forward to our time together. We liked it so much that we extended it to
another month, and another month, and another month until we completed one full
year.
It was this experiment that taught me the value of the
physical manifestation of love between partners. See, sex isn’t just about the act or the
climax…it’s about the bonding and the intimacy.
Sure, the orgasm is fun, but that’s short-lived. The lasting emotional connection that comes
from the sexual interaction is what matters most.
It is difficult, almost impossible, to make-love to someone
and simultaneously stay angry at them.
If you don’t believe me, try it.
In your next argument with your partner, try getting naked and laying
close while you’re fighting.
Nakedness is not just physical, but it is symbolic of
emotional openness. Complete exposure
and disclosure. It’s about acceptance
and excitement.
Many couples don’t engage in sexual activity because they
are ashamed of their own bodies, or they think they’re not good enough at it,
or they get too tired and too lazy to make the commitment. The butterflies in the stomach are dead and
sex becomes just another chore on the to-do list. After all, the touch is the same, the
movement is the same, the panting is the same…. over time, it gets redundant,
for both men and women. Welcome to marriage. Your job is to commit to spicing it up in and
out of the bedroom. Your commitment to
each other is to make the marriage not only work, but thrive. Attention to detail matters. Knowing what your partner likes and dis-likes matters, both in and out of the bedroom, and then applying that knowledge is crucial.
Get creative! It all
starts with communication.
Talk to each other about things you want to do, places you
want to go, elements of your marriage you wish you could change. Then, incorporate intimacy into that. For example:
If you can’t afford a trip to Paris, bring Paris to your bedroom. Buy some French Champagne, light candles all
over, put up a poster of the Eifel Tower, and make French kissing the theme of
the evening. In between conversations,
lean over and just start kissing…and don’t stop.
Buy a book on sexual positions and commit to one another
that within the next six months, you’re going to try every position in the
book. Then, get ready to laugh and laugh
hard because some of the things you’re going to see will look downright
impossible. But, it’s fun to try and it
gives you and your partner a little private joke to share. (“Honey, remember the time you broke your
collar bone trying to ….”) Seriously,
though, be careful.
Have a Touching night.
The rules are simple, you’re both blindfolded and you are forbidden to
speak. The object is to guide one
another’s hands to wherever you want them to go. This is a great way to tell your partner what
you like without having to say it or face him/her. I’m from the Show-Me State, and trust me,
sometimes actions speak a lot louder than words. (Safety tip: Remember to remove your blindfold before you
get up to use the bathroom!)
Buy some magazines or look up some websites/articles on some
of the more outlandish sexual activities.
Explore submission and dominance.
Try handcuffs, straps, whipped cream, etc. Find out together what appeals to you and to
your partner. If you don’t like
something, you don’t have to do it again.
But the act of experimenting together heightens your trust in one
another, acceptance of one another, ability to be open and honest about your
feelings going forward and strengthens your bond as a couple. The word “bondage” starts with “bond” for a
reason. J
Role play. It seems
silly and people drop their heads and blush when it’s mentioned but role
playing is a natural, human trait. When
we are children we are not taught to pretend, we come by it naturally. The human imagination is a powerful tool, so
use it to strengthen your marriage. Is
he the sexy fireman that comes to rescue you with his hose? Is she the flirty nurse who comes to give
you a sponge bath? Let your imagination
run wild and then have fun with it.
These are just some quick ideas off the top of my head… I’m
sure you can come up better ones. The
point is, do something, anything.
Marriages die because people stop trying. Sex is not the answer, but while you’re
naked, lying together, you just might come face-to-face with the solution. Talk. Act. Listen. Love. It’s a T.A.L.L. order, but the juice is worth
the squeeze. ~
