Be the HO HO HO in his Merry Christmas!

I receive email, mostly from women, talking about my books, the characters in my books and often times about their own lives and the struggles or triumphs therein. Today, on the verge of Christmas, I wanted to share an excerpt from one of these letters:

“I’ve read all of your books and your blogs including the really really old stuff [Desire the Fire] about keeping a marriage alive.  No Easy Way is my favorite book because of Tom and Kate’s marriage and how I can relate to the problems they face.  I’ve been married twenty-seven years.  Our kids are grown and gone and I have two grandbabies on the way.  It’s an exciting time in our lives but I sometimes miss the passion I read about in yours and other’s books.  I think it’s that drive for passion that leads people into affairs and I [like every woman out there] am looking for a way to avoid that.  I want to give my husband something special for Christmas to show him that the bedroom doesn’t have to be boring for us just because we’ve been together so long.  What would you recommend?  If you were writing us into one of your books how would you keep our marriage alive?”

Marriage takes a lot of work, but I believe that half the battle lies in wanting to not only keep the marriage alive, but make it thrive.  How do we do that?  If I had a magic answer I’d be among the world’s wealthiest.

Years ago I was working on a project wherein I presented on this very topic.  It was based on the F-word and called the Four F’s.  For men, those four F’s were represented in:  Food, Friends, Football, Fucking.   For women, the four F’s were represented in:  Fine Dining, Friends, Footwear, Fantasy.  The gist of the presentation was that men and women’s desires are quite different and once you understand the differences you will be better able to meet your spouse’s needs.

Disclaimer:  Not ALL men are the same and not ALL women are the same. Thus, I am speaking in generalities here.

My recommendation for surprising your husband with something special on Christmas is to surprise him with you… that is to say, a version of you he hasn’t seen before.  If you don’t normally wear lingerie, wear it.  If you don’t normally light candles, light fifty of them all over the bedroom. (Just don’t burn down the house in the process.)  If your normal sexual activity is confined to the bedroom, do it elsewhere.  Try the middle of the family room floor or the counter top in the kitchen. (Knee pads advised and don’t forget to sanitize the counter top afterwards.)  If you don’t normally participate in S&M activities, go a little Fifty Shades.  If he likes porn, get some magazines or watch a movie together.  If you’ve never added food to the mix, go a little 9½ Weeks. If you don’t normally use sex toys, get some. (Buy batteries too!)  If you don't normally play erotic music in the background, turn some on and turn it up!  When is the last time you massaged his hands, feet and other areas?  

Take a hot, steamy, candle-lit shower together and do stuff to each other that you don't normally do.  (I'm reminded of the lyrics to an Olivia Newton-John song called, Soul Kiss..."I get down on my knees and..."  You get the gist.)  Get creative and think outside of the box.  Ask yourself what gets your spouse going?  What drives him crazy?  What turns him on?  And then do that. 

When I used to present on this topic, some of the most common fears were:  What if I offend him?  What if he’s not “into” it?  What if he thinks I’m crazy?  Let me belay these concerns by saying that most men are more adaptable and open than they are given credit.  Many of them don’t bring these ideas to their wives because they fear the same backlash, but when the wife presents it as her idea, there’s typically little objection.

Key to re-igniting that sexual spark in your marriage is to open your mouth and talk about the things you’ve both thought about, but have been afraid to verbalize. There is no “right” or “wrong” involved in your romantic relationship with your spouse.  You two set the boundaries.  You two decide what is acceptable.  You two create the fantasy.

If you try something and it doesn’t work, you have, at the very least, given each other a memory at which you can share a laugh for years to come.

Everything worth having in life takes work and marriage is no different.  Sex isn't the most important element of a relationship, but it is an element that cannot and should not be ignored.  Physical affection is a manifestation of emotional connection.  The truth is that real life isn’t romantic and mushy-gushy like you see in movies or read in books. But…you can create magical moments in your marriage that are… if you lay down your inhibitions and use your imagination.

I think most men would agree that sensational sex is a great stocking stuffer.  So, for one night, be the HO HO HO in his Merry Christmas!

Make It, Don't Fake It

I receive a lot of email wherein people voice their opinion of my books or my blogs or they simply want to share something they’ve experienced.  I love these emails.  I love that people feel that they can vent or open up to me, and that my blog is a safe haven for their questions.  Sure, every so often I get an email that is less than kind, but those are few and far between.  Most of the time, people simply want to be heard.

This is why I love receiving emails from people who feel they can “talk” to me, even virtually.  I can’t always answer their questions, but I always read what they’ve written and I always respond.

Here’s a section of one I want to share:

My husband and I have been together for almost four years and we love each other very much, but the problem is we don’t ever talk about sex and it isn’t very good.  I don’t know how to tell him I’ve been faking it all this time and then taking care of myself on the side.  He’s against masturbation and would probably be really hurt if he knew.  Besides, he thinks he’s really good in bed because I’ve made him think so.  I guess you could say I know how to make it look real and now I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I tell him the truth.

This is a sticky situation, but you’d be surprised how many women share this same story.

Men and women alike want to be considered good lovers.  We all want to be able to turn-on our partner, to stimulate them, taunt them a little and ultimately drive them into the orgasmic throes of euphoric bliss.  But the reality is, few are able to do this without open communication and teaching one another the seductive secrets of their bodies.

It is easier for most men to achieve orgasm than it is for most women.  Duh, right?!

What this translates to is that the man is going to have to work harder to please his woman; and the woman is going to have to communicate her needs to her man.  If she is shy or if the couple has never talked about sex, this can be extremely difficult.

Women fake orgasm for a number of reasons.  First, they want their man to feel good about himself.  They believe that for the experience to bring them closer together, they need to bolster his ego.  Second, because they believe if they pant and scream, it will be a more erotic experience, one he will never want to risk leaving or losing.  Third, because sometimes she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep already.

Whatever the reason, faking can eventually drive a wedge between the man and woman.  It can cause the woman to harbor negative emotions toward sex and toward her husband; which isn’t really fair to him, since he’s clueless, having no idea she’s been faking all along.

Is this fixable?  Absolutely.  Does it have to involve a difficult conversation where you shatter his ego by telling him you’ve been faking?   No.  It can be done gently and in a very fun way. 

Open a bottle of wine and light some candles, or whatever you do to set the mood.  Buy yourself some sex dice or make your own, and let the lesson begin.  The key here is to not let him know he’s being taught something...simply let him think you’ve arranged a night of erotica.  Every time the dice is rolled, you tell each other how or where you like to be touched.  The rule of the evening is “ladies first” and he doesn’t get to climax until after you.  Dig out those sex toys, or whatever you’ve been hiding and using on yourself and let him use them.  He doesn’t need to know you’ve been using them on yourself…let him think this is all part of the special evening.  (I’m not saying you should blatantly lie about it… I’m just saying you shouldn’t offer up the information right now.  Maybe you can tell him later.)  Only groan, moan, pant or yelp when he does something right…something that inches you closer to bliss; and use your hands to direct his to the right place, the right speed, the right pressure.  Believe me, he’ll follow your cues, because most men have a desire to please their woman.   He loves you and he wants to be everything you need and want in bed.  Trembling in his arms for “real” will be an experience unlike any other, and one you both deserve to share.

When it’s over and he remarks that it’s never been like this before… simply smile and say, “I want it like this every time.”  He'll log it into his memory banks and your sex life will have been changed for good.

Good sex is a learned skill, and satisfying a woman is no easy task; but most men are up for the job.  So… don’t fake it… because in doing so, you’re not doing your marriage, him or yourself any long term good. 

Show him how to make it so you never have to fake it again.