Be the HO HO HO in his Merry Christmas!

I receive email, mostly from women, talking about my books, the characters in my books and often times about their own lives and the struggles or triumphs therein. Today, on the verge of Christmas, I wanted to share an excerpt from one of these letters:

“I’ve read all of your books and your blogs including the really really old stuff [Desire the Fire] about keeping a marriage alive.  No Easy Way is my favorite book because of Tom and Kate’s marriage and how I can relate to the problems they face.  I’ve been married twenty-seven years.  Our kids are grown and gone and I have two grandbabies on the way.  It’s an exciting time in our lives but I sometimes miss the passion I read about in yours and other’s books.  I think it’s that drive for passion that leads people into affairs and I [like every woman out there] am looking for a way to avoid that.  I want to give my husband something special for Christmas to show him that the bedroom doesn’t have to be boring for us just because we’ve been together so long.  What would you recommend?  If you were writing us into one of your books how would you keep our marriage alive?”

Marriage takes a lot of work, but I believe that half the battle lies in wanting to not only keep the marriage alive, but make it thrive.  How do we do that?  If I had a magic answer I’d be among the world’s wealthiest.

Years ago I was working on a project wherein I presented on this very topic.  It was based on the F-word and called the Four F’s.  For men, those four F’s were represented in:  Food, Friends, Football, Fucking.   For women, the four F’s were represented in:  Fine Dining, Friends, Footwear, Fantasy.  The gist of the presentation was that men and women’s desires are quite different and once you understand the differences you will be better able to meet your spouse’s needs.

Disclaimer:  Not ALL men are the same and not ALL women are the same. Thus, I am speaking in generalities here.

My recommendation for surprising your husband with something special on Christmas is to surprise him with you… that is to say, a version of you he hasn’t seen before.  If you don’t normally wear lingerie, wear it.  If you don’t normally light candles, light fifty of them all over the bedroom. (Just don’t burn down the house in the process.)  If your normal sexual activity is confined to the bedroom, do it elsewhere.  Try the middle of the family room floor or the counter top in the kitchen. (Knee pads advised and don’t forget to sanitize the counter top afterwards.)  If you don’t normally participate in S&M activities, go a little Fifty Shades.  If he likes porn, get some magazines or watch a movie together.  If you’ve never added food to the mix, go a little 9½ Weeks. If you don’t normally use sex toys, get some. (Buy batteries too!)  If you don't normally play erotic music in the background, turn some on and turn it up!  When is the last time you massaged his hands, feet and other areas?  

Take a hot, steamy, candle-lit shower together and do stuff to each other that you don't normally do.  (I'm reminded of the lyrics to an Olivia Newton-John song called, Soul Kiss..."I get down on my knees and..."  You get the gist.)  Get creative and think outside of the box.  Ask yourself what gets your spouse going?  What drives him crazy?  What turns him on?  And then do that. 

When I used to present on this topic, some of the most common fears were:  What if I offend him?  What if he’s not “into” it?  What if he thinks I’m crazy?  Let me belay these concerns by saying that most men are more adaptable and open than they are given credit.  Many of them don’t bring these ideas to their wives because they fear the same backlash, but when the wife presents it as her idea, there’s typically little objection.

Key to re-igniting that sexual spark in your marriage is to open your mouth and talk about the things you’ve both thought about, but have been afraid to verbalize. There is no “right” or “wrong” involved in your romantic relationship with your spouse.  You two set the boundaries.  You two decide what is acceptable.  You two create the fantasy.

If you try something and it doesn’t work, you have, at the very least, given each other a memory at which you can share a laugh for years to come.

Everything worth having in life takes work and marriage is no different.  Sex isn't the most important element of a relationship, but it is an element that cannot and should not be ignored.  Physical affection is a manifestation of emotional connection.  The truth is that real life isn’t romantic and mushy-gushy like you see in movies or read in books. But…you can create magical moments in your marriage that are… if you lay down your inhibitions and use your imagination.

I think most men would agree that sensational sex is a great stocking stuffer.  So, for one night, be the HO HO HO in his Merry Christmas!

Knocked Upside the Head

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my forty-three years on this planet, it’s that you cannot judge a book by its cover…especially when the proverbial book is a human being.  The biggest, burliest, scariest dudes often have the softest hearts and most tender souls.  The roughest, rugged, tattooed-from-head-to-toe women often have the sweetest, gentlest spirits.  The person that you sit next to in a classroom or on the bus, the one you secretly judge based solely on their appearance, could become your best friend…if only you could lay the pre-judgments aside and look beyond the exterior.

It isn’t easy to do.  Our culture is so exterior driven that judging people on first appearance has become an acceptable reflex; but just because something is acceptable doesn’t make it wise or right.

I was sitting in a Starbucks the other day with my laptop and coffee, and I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two ladies at a table adjacent to mine.  A man and a woman had entered the coffee shop at the same time and these ladies were trying to figure out if they were a couple or entered simultaneously as a mere coincidence.  The man was tall, handsome, dressed in a business suit and had gray hair.  I would guess him to be in his mid-fifties.  The woman had brown hair that was dyed blonde, was thin and attractive and wore a flowered skirt, light blue spaghetti strap top and white sandals.  I would guess her to be in her late twenties.  In a matter of moments it was obvious that the two had arrived together, as the woman looped her arm in his while standing at the counter.

This is the conversation I overheard:

“Look at them,” Lady one scoffed.  “That’s disgusting.  She’s too young for him.”

Lady two casually glanced over her shoulder and gave an eye roll.  “How do you know they’re together?”

“He’s holding her hand!”  Lady one appeared very upset, to the point that I began to wonder if perhaps she knew this man and knew the story behind he and the younger woman.  “It makes me sick!”  She barked.  She went on to tell Lady two that the man was wearing a wedding ring and the younger woman was not.

“What can you do?” Lady two shrugged.  “She’s obviously with him for his money and you can see why he’s with her.”  She cupped her hands near her own breasts to indicate the young woman was well endowed, which instinctively made me dart my eyes to the young woman’s chest and analyze the size of her boobs.  They were nice, as far as breasts go, not overly large, not overly small. They were perky but didn’t look fake and she certainly wasn’t flaunting them.   I found it intriguing that sexual motive was being assigned simply based on the woman’s breasts.

The older man and younger woman carried their coffee and sat in the table directly in front of mine.  This would make it difficult for the other women to gossip about them, as they were clearly within earshot.

“Let’s go,” Lady one sighed and stood up.  Lady two followed suit.  “I’ve seen enough.”

The two women paraded out of the front door and I watched as they walked toward a black Mercedes Benz, got in and drove away.  I wondered where they might be headed and rolled my eyes, thinking that Lady one, in particular, was rich, snobby and clearly judged people from only a high-horse view.  I didn’t realize in that moment that I was just as guilty of judging her as she was of judging the man and younger woman. I had deemed her rich and snobby simply based on the type of car she was driving.

As I sat there, now eavesdropping on the man and younger woman’s conversation, I learned that he was recently widowed and she was his step-daughter from his wife’s previous marriage. She wasn’t a gold digger, he wasn't sneaking around, involved in some illicit affair and their relationship had absolutely nothing to do with the size or perkiness of her breasts.  They were sharing stories about her mother, his wife, who had lost a long battle to cancer.  Talk about life perspective knocking you upside the head.  It hit me so hard I'm surprised I didn't fall right out of my seat. 

 

Leaving the coffee shop and climbing into my car, I wondered what people thought about me.  Was I judged on my appearance?  On the car I drove?  On the perkiness of my breasts or the size of my ass?  I pondered how many times I had made pre-judgments based on similar things…exterior things.  How many times had I applied my own life experiences, fears, doubts, etc. to others, assigning them motive that probably had never even entered their mind?  How many times had I judged a book by its cover and was dead wrong?

I didn’t get a lot of writing done while in the coffee shop, but I walked out a better person.  I walked out with an awareness I didn’t possess when I entered.  I walked out with my eyes opened just a little bit more and a personal challenge to not pre-judge other people. 

Because…everybody has a story and it should never be judged without ever being heard. ~