A T.A.L.L. Order

I received an email from a man asking me how I came to believe sex was so important in marriage and asking me if I could convince his wife to share my belief.  The email made me laugh and also tugged at my heart. 

Marriage is hard work.  It’s not all lovey-dovey, cutsey-wootsey, snuggley-buggley warmth.  There are some very cold, distant caves hidden in wedded bliss; some caused by mistakes and some just by a lack of time, communication and priority.  It takes commitment on every level.  You have to give your body, your mind and your heart; not just one, but all.  For a marriage to thrive, both partners must be ALL in, ALL invested, ALL of the time.

Sex is one part of what makes up a good marriage.  It is one form of intimacy, and it should be noted that ALL forms of intimacy are necessary to keep the engine humming.

Years ago, my marriage was stagnant.  My husband and I weren’t connecting and I didn’t feel as close to him as I had previously.  We weren’t fighting a lot, but we had grown apart and there was a distance in our hearts.  He was traveling a lot and I was exhausted with my job and the kids… by the time we got any time together we were, quite frankly, too tired to connect, physically or emotionally.  Neither one of us was content or fulfilled. 

We decided to conduct a little experiment.  While talking over Margaritas and nachos we devised a jump-start plan of action.  Determined to re-connect with one another, we made a sexual commitment.  We vowed to make-love every day.  Every day for one month.  (He traveled so we weren’t able to hit the every day mark, but we did have sex every day that he was in town.)  We began this experiment in August and during that first month we had sex 24 of the 31 days.   

Our relationship was taken to a new level!  We were talking more, laughing more, enjoying our stolen moments and looking forward to our time together.   We liked it so much that we extended it to another month, and another month, and another month until we completed one full year. 

It was this experiment that taught me the value of the physical manifestation of love between partners.  See, sex isn’t just about the act or the climax…it’s about the bonding and the intimacy.  Sure, the orgasm is fun, but that’s short-lived.  The lasting emotional connection that comes from the sexual interaction is what matters most.

It is difficult, almost impossible, to make-love to someone and simultaneously stay angry at them.  If you don’t believe me, try it.  In your next argument with your partner, try getting naked and laying close while you’re fighting. 

Nakedness is not just physical, but it is symbolic of emotional openness.  Complete exposure and disclosure.  It’s about acceptance and excitement.  

Many couples don’t engage in sexual activity because they are ashamed of their own bodies, or they think they’re not good enough at it, or they get too tired and too lazy to make the commitment.  The butterflies in the stomach are dead and sex becomes just another chore on the to-do list.   After all, the touch is the same, the movement is the same, the panting is the same…. over time, it gets redundant, for both men and women.   Welcome to marriage.  Your job is to commit to spicing it up in and out of the bedroom.  Your commitment to each other is to make the marriage not only work, but thrive.  Attention to detail matters.  Knowing what your partner likes and dis-likes matters,  both in and out of the bedroom, and then applying that knowledge is crucial.

Get creative!  It all starts with communication.

Talk to each other about things you want to do, places you want to go, elements of your marriage you wish you could change.  Then, incorporate intimacy into that.  For example:  If you can’t afford a trip to Paris, bring Paris to your bedroom.   Buy some French Champagne, light candles all over, put up a poster of the Eifel Tower, and make French kissing the theme of the evening.  In between conversations, lean over and just start kissing…and don’t stop.

Buy a book on sexual positions and commit to one another that within the next six months, you’re going to try every position in the book.  Then, get ready to laugh and laugh hard because some of the things you’re going to see will look downright impossible.  But, it’s fun to try and it gives you and your partner a little private joke to share.  (“Honey, remember the time you broke your collar bone trying to ….”)   Seriously, though, be careful. 

Have a Touching night.  The rules are simple, you’re both blindfolded and you are forbidden to speak.   The object is to guide one another’s hands to wherever you want them to go.  This is a great way to tell your partner what you like without having to say it or face him/her.  I’m from the Show-Me State, and trust me, sometimes actions speak a lot louder than words.    (Safety tip:  Remember to remove your blindfold before you get up to use the bathroom!)

Buy some magazines or look up some websites/articles on some of the more outlandish sexual activities.  Explore submission and dominance.  Try handcuffs, straps, whipped cream, etc.  Find out together what appeals to you and to your partner.  If you don’t like something, you don’t have to do it again.  But the act of experimenting together heightens your trust in one another, acceptance of one another, ability to be open and honest about your feelings going forward and strengthens your bond as a couple.  The word “bondage” starts with “bond” for a reason.  J

Role play.  It seems silly and people drop their heads and blush when it’s mentioned but role playing is a natural, human trait.  When we are children we are not taught to pretend, we come by it naturally.  The human imagination is a powerful tool, so use it to strengthen your marriage.   Is he the sexy fireman that comes to rescue you with his hose?   Is she the flirty nurse who comes to give you a sponge bath?  Let your imagination run wild and then have fun with it.

These are just some quick ideas off the top of my head… I’m sure you can come up better ones.  The point is, do something, anything.  Marriages die because people stop trying.  Sex is not the answer, but while you’re naked, lying together, you just might come face-to-face with the solution.  Talk. Act. Listen. Love.  It’s a T.A.L.L. order, but the juice is worth the squeeze.  ~

 

Make It, Don't Fake It

I receive a lot of email wherein people voice their opinion of my books or my blogs or they simply want to share something they’ve experienced.  I love these emails.  I love that people feel that they can vent or open up to me, and that my blog is a safe haven for their questions.  Sure, every so often I get an email that is less than kind, but those are few and far between.  Most of the time, people simply want to be heard.

This is why I love receiving emails from people who feel they can “talk” to me, even virtually.  I can’t always answer their questions, but I always read what they’ve written and I always respond.

Here’s a section of one I want to share:

My husband and I have been together for almost four years and we love each other very much, but the problem is we don’t ever talk about sex and it isn’t very good.  I don’t know how to tell him I’ve been faking it all this time and then taking care of myself on the side.  He’s against masturbation and would probably be really hurt if he knew.  Besides, he thinks he’s really good in bed because I’ve made him think so.  I guess you could say I know how to make it look real and now I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I tell him the truth.

This is a sticky situation, but you’d be surprised how many women share this same story.

Men and women alike want to be considered good lovers.  We all want to be able to turn-on our partner, to stimulate them, taunt them a little and ultimately drive them into the orgasmic throes of euphoric bliss.  But the reality is, few are able to do this without open communication and teaching one another the seductive secrets of their bodies.

It is easier for most men to achieve orgasm than it is for most women.  Duh, right?!

What this translates to is that the man is going to have to work harder to please his woman; and the woman is going to have to communicate her needs to her man.  If she is shy or if the couple has never talked about sex, this can be extremely difficult.

Women fake orgasm for a number of reasons.  First, they want their man to feel good about himself.  They believe that for the experience to bring them closer together, they need to bolster his ego.  Second, because they believe if they pant and scream, it will be a more erotic experience, one he will never want to risk leaving or losing.  Third, because sometimes she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep already.

Whatever the reason, faking can eventually drive a wedge between the man and woman.  It can cause the woman to harbor negative emotions toward sex and toward her husband; which isn’t really fair to him, since he’s clueless, having no idea she’s been faking all along.

Is this fixable?  Absolutely.  Does it have to involve a difficult conversation where you shatter his ego by telling him you’ve been faking?   No.  It can be done gently and in a very fun way. 

Open a bottle of wine and light some candles, or whatever you do to set the mood.  Buy yourself some sex dice or make your own, and let the lesson begin.  The key here is to not let him know he’s being taught something...simply let him think you’ve arranged a night of erotica.  Every time the dice is rolled, you tell each other how or where you like to be touched.  The rule of the evening is “ladies first” and he doesn’t get to climax until after you.  Dig out those sex toys, or whatever you’ve been hiding and using on yourself and let him use them.  He doesn’t need to know you’ve been using them on yourself…let him think this is all part of the special evening.  (I’m not saying you should blatantly lie about it… I’m just saying you shouldn’t offer up the information right now.  Maybe you can tell him later.)  Only groan, moan, pant or yelp when he does something right…something that inches you closer to bliss; and use your hands to direct his to the right place, the right speed, the right pressure.  Believe me, he’ll follow your cues, because most men have a desire to please their woman.   He loves you and he wants to be everything you need and want in bed.  Trembling in his arms for “real” will be an experience unlike any other, and one you both deserve to share.

When it’s over and he remarks that it’s never been like this before… simply smile and say, “I want it like this every time.”  He'll log it into his memory banks and your sex life will have been changed for good.

Good sex is a learned skill, and satisfying a woman is no easy task; but most men are up for the job.  So… don’t fake it… because in doing so, you’re not doing your marriage, him or yourself any long term good. 

Show him how to make it so you never have to fake it again.

Don't Quit: Re-New It!

I received an email and I’d like to share a portion of it with you, though, for discretion purposes, I will keep the writer anonymous. 

 

Dear Susan,

My husband and I just celebrated our 15 year anniversary and I’m thinking about leaving him. He’s a good person but I’m just not attracted to him anymore.  I’m an avid reader, romance novels in particular, but I’ve read your Angel series and I want to feel the passion that’s on the pages of these books.  Not the Fifty Shades kind of stuff but real romantic flare stuff.  Angel being grabbed and kissed by Tony or the love scene where she prayed the Lord’s prayer with Andrew or the mattress scene in Grayson’s hideout.  I want to be ravished by a man and my husband just isn’t that type of guy.  When we have sex I find myself going through the motions instead of actually enjoying it or desiring it.  I see you’ve been married longer than me and I’ve read your blogs on sex. What do you think I should do?  Do you think my marriage is over?  

 

My heart pours out to this woman.  If you’re married or have been in a long term relationship, you can probably relate to what she is feeling.  Romance novels are the top selling genre for a reason…because we ALL need romance on some level and we seek it out in books, movies and in real life. Every human being, male and female alike, has an innate desire to feel wanted, needed and ultimately loved.  We were not created to do life alone, which is why I have always stressed the importance of intimacy in relationships.

First, let me say this:  It is not my place to make a judgment call on whether a couple should stay together or part ways.  However, if you have both invested fifteen years in each other and in your life together, and if you still love one another, then I would encourage you not to give up.  Relationships hit plateaus and often times they need to be jump started.   That’s normal.  We tend to get busy with the chores of living and forget to focus on some of the things that matter most…the people in our life.  Often times, all that is needed is a reminder of how important you are to each other.

Second, it is normal to go through phases where you don’t feel attracted to your partner.  Sheer exhaustion alone can squelch desire faster than anything.  Carving out time together can help. 

Third, sex in real life is rarely as romantic and wonderful as it is on the pages of a novel.  I, too, enjoyed Fifty Shades but, in reality, would not want to experience many of the things she tried in the book.  Fantasizing is fun and should be used to enhance reality, but not replace it.  Keep in mind that the human imagination takes fantasy to heights that reality can never achieve.  Even if your partner lights candles all around the room, puts on soft music, lines the bed with fresh rose petals, and has chilled champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries waiting for you, it will not feel the same as what you see in the movies or what you read in a novel.  It can be romantic, but it will never be “new.” 

In novels and in movies we see people engaging in romance from the perspective of a new relationship, and we thus crave that stomach-tingling, excitedly-nervous, first-kiss sort of feeling.  This is no longer the reality for a long-term relationship.  Over time comfort replaces the stomach-tingling nerves, and familiarity replaces anticipation; but that doesn’t mean romance has died.

Too often people run into the arms of another, simply to satisfy their craving for the feeling and excitement of newness; but what happens when that newness wears off?  Do you then run to another, and another, and another?  Instead of destroying the relationship you’ve already built, the answer may be as simple as you and your partner trying some new things to spice up your love life.  It may just be time to get those juices flowing by getting creative in your lovemaking.

Here are some suggestions:

Read an erotic or romance novel together and pick out the things you like…then do them to each other.  Role play.  If he likes pig tails and bobby socks, then do it.  If she likes a leather jacket and studded dog collar, do it.  Make a commitment to each other to be radical about turning the other person on.  

Try some new positions.  I’m not talking about rolling over one time.  I’m talking about getting a little crazy.  Do it on the dresser, the countertop, in the shower, bent over the back of the couch, over the top of the coffee table, in the office, in the bathroom at a restaurant, in the car, on top of the car, on the patio, etc.  Get creative, just try not to get arrested in the process.

Use toys.  Vibrators.  Handcuffs.  Blindfolds.  Whips.  Whatever inspires you…try it.  If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again.  But in your openness to attempt new things, you just might stumble upon something that both of you thoroughly enjoy.  AND…you’re creating your own little secrets.  You’re creating new memories; some that will be comical.  You’re inventing things that will later pop into your mind and you’ll look at each other from across the room and laugh.  No one will know why because it will be something only you two will share.  A connection.

Start having sex every day.  EVERY day.  Do this for one month and see how your relationship jolts back to life.  What you’ll find is that it’s hard to remain angry at or ignore someone with whom you are having sex.  It forces a level of intimacy that can often become stagnant or dried up in long term relationships.  Sex isn’t the end-all… but it’s a very fun way to rejuvenate the relationship.

So many couples stop talking about what they like in bed and then they slip into these routines of lovemaking that often leave both parties emotionally wanting.  See, sex isn’t just about physical gratification.  It’s about emotional intimacy. Intimacy is crucial in a relationship.  Sex is merely one part of the intimacy shared… but it is a very useful tool when you find yourself struggling to connect in other ways.  It has a way of opening up the communication conduit so that all levels of intimacy can flow more freely.

Sexual intimacy involves talking, touching, sharing, soothing and loving one another.  It’s a heart commitment that involves the actions of the body. 

In today’s world, we are so busy that we often forget to touch one another.  When too-busy-to-touch grows into too-exhausted-to-talk, our relationship begins to feel stagnant and our desire for one another dries up.  It doesn’t always mean we stopped loving… it simply means we need to shake off the dust and re-new the expression of that love.

Old relationships will never feel “new” again… but they can be actively “re-newed” and experience depths of intimacy a new relationship cannot. 

Don’t quit… Re-new it!

The Magic in Marital Sex

The question from Patti is:  "In your Bio you state that you believe marriage requires a lot of sex, what do you mean by this and why do you think it's so important?"

Years ago my husband and I conducted our own little marital experiment.  We had read about a couple that committed themselves to having sex every day for one year. They claimed it radically changed their marriage for the better.  So, we decided to commit ourselves to having sex every day for one month.  The experiment was so successful, we did it for another month and another and another and another.  Before we knew it we had indeed gone one full year. 

With my husband's travel schedule we were unable to have sex every day, but we managed to have it every day that he was in town for one full year.  It transformed our relationship and we are still reaping the benefits.  So, when I say sex is important in marriage, I'm speaking from our personal experience.

Sex opens the lines of communication, which is why I think it's so important in marriage.  It is a physical form of intimacy that strengthens the depth of the marital bond.  When you commit to consistently pleasuring one another on a physical level, you suddenly become closer on all levels and you find that your emotional needs are being met as well.  It ignites passion, blossoms friendship and deepens love. 

When couples stop making-love, their relationship can grow stagnant and stagnancy often leads to disaster.  

For more information on this topic, please visit my other blog at: www.DesireTheFire.wordpress.com

Thank you for your question, Patti.  I hope I've answered adequately.  :)