Make It, Don't Fake It

I receive a lot of email wherein people voice their opinion of my books or my blogs or they simply want to share something they’ve experienced.  I love these emails.  I love that people feel that they can vent or open up to me, and that my blog is a safe haven for their questions.  Sure, every so often I get an email that is less than kind, but those are few and far between.  Most of the time, people simply want to be heard.

This is why I love receiving emails from people who feel they can “talk” to me, even virtually.  I can’t always answer their questions, but I always read what they’ve written and I always respond.

Here’s a section of one I want to share:

My husband and I have been together for almost four years and we love each other very much, but the problem is we don’t ever talk about sex and it isn’t very good.  I don’t know how to tell him I’ve been faking it all this time and then taking care of myself on the side.  He’s against masturbation and would probably be really hurt if he knew.  Besides, he thinks he’s really good in bed because I’ve made him think so.  I guess you could say I know how to make it look real and now I don’t know what to do.  I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I tell him the truth.

This is a sticky situation, but you’d be surprised how many women share this same story.

Men and women alike want to be considered good lovers.  We all want to be able to turn-on our partner, to stimulate them, taunt them a little and ultimately drive them into the orgasmic throes of euphoric bliss.  But the reality is, few are able to do this without open communication and teaching one another the seductive secrets of their bodies.

It is easier for most men to achieve orgasm than it is for most women.  Duh, right?!

What this translates to is that the man is going to have to work harder to please his woman; and the woman is going to have to communicate her needs to her man.  If she is shy or if the couple has never talked about sex, this can be extremely difficult.

Women fake orgasm for a number of reasons.  First, they want their man to feel good about himself.  They believe that for the experience to bring them closer together, they need to bolster his ego.  Second, because they believe if they pant and scream, it will be a more erotic experience, one he will never want to risk leaving or losing.  Third, because sometimes she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep already.

Whatever the reason, faking can eventually drive a wedge between the man and woman.  It can cause the woman to harbor negative emotions toward sex and toward her husband; which isn’t really fair to him, since he’s clueless, having no idea she’s been faking all along.

Is this fixable?  Absolutely.  Does it have to involve a difficult conversation where you shatter his ego by telling him you’ve been faking?   No.  It can be done gently and in a very fun way. 

Open a bottle of wine and light some candles, or whatever you do to set the mood.  Buy yourself some sex dice or make your own, and let the lesson begin.  The key here is to not let him know he’s being taught something...simply let him think you’ve arranged a night of erotica.  Every time the dice is rolled, you tell each other how or where you like to be touched.  The rule of the evening is “ladies first” and he doesn’t get to climax until after you.  Dig out those sex toys, or whatever you’ve been hiding and using on yourself and let him use them.  He doesn’t need to know you’ve been using them on yourself…let him think this is all part of the special evening.  (I’m not saying you should blatantly lie about it… I’m just saying you shouldn’t offer up the information right now.  Maybe you can tell him later.)  Only groan, moan, pant or yelp when he does something right…something that inches you closer to bliss; and use your hands to direct his to the right place, the right speed, the right pressure.  Believe me, he’ll follow your cues, because most men have a desire to please their woman.   He loves you and he wants to be everything you need and want in bed.  Trembling in his arms for “real” will be an experience unlike any other, and one you both deserve to share.

When it’s over and he remarks that it’s never been like this before… simply smile and say, “I want it like this every time.”  He'll log it into his memory banks and your sex life will have been changed for good.

Good sex is a learned skill, and satisfying a woman is no easy task; but most men are up for the job.  So… don’t fake it… because in doing so, you’re not doing your marriage, him or yourself any long term good. 

Show him how to make it so you never have to fake it again.

House of Lies

I am excited to announce the release of my new novel, House of Lies. 

It is a political cult suspense about Skylar Wilson, who sets out on a quest to save her sister from the grips of a deadly cult.  While searching for answers, Skylar discovers that this particular cult group stretches far beyond its evangelical, house of prayer veil; penetrating the upper echelon of the United States government, and pushing a lethal, International agenda.  To expose the truth, Skylar must learn to unravel the lies, each one leading her down a twisted trail of deadly scandals and mysterious deaths.  For the nightmare to end, she’ll have to take her sister back to where it all began.

 

House of Lies is a mystery-suspense-romance-thriller all rolled into one.  Ebook is currently available at Amazon.  Availability from Barnes&Noble, Smashwords and AllRomanceEbooks coming soon.  Look for print editions at all online retailers this Thanksgiving.  Download or Pre-order your copy today!

Here is a video trailer to give you a glimpse into the novel:

 

“House of Lies will take you to the edge and dangle you over the abyss.” Maxwell Crighton, Publicist

 

 

Unbearable Suffering

Last Friday, ten year old, Jessica Ridgeway disappeared on her way to school…. a walk she took every day.  A body was found yesterday only seven miles from her home.   Police have yet to confirm it is hers. 

I’ve followed this story and wept.  I’ve cried for the family and for Jessica.  There is nothing worse than losing a child.  There is no greater pain in this world; and to add the injustice of the loss being caused by a criminal act is unbearable.  It should never happen. 

It makes me sit back and wonder what the hell this world is coming to?!  What kind of horrible person steals and kills children?  I can’t get my head around it…and it breaks my heart.  It is beyond all rational comprehension.

Child molesters and child abductors should be murdered.  Plain and simple.  They should not get a trial.  They should be killed as slowly and painfully as possible.  Even then, justice would not be served.  People who steal children away from their families don’t deserve to live.  Period.  No “ifs,” no “ands,” and no “buts.”  You steal and/or kill a child and you die.

The Bible says to pray for our enemies.  I pray right now for the person who abducted Jessica Ridgeway…. I pray that the person endures pain, hardship and death.  I pray that the person writhes in agony and receives no help from anyone and suffers endlessly.   Molesters and abductors are like demons clothed in human flesh and I pray a band of vigilantes will rise up with shot-guns and send these demons back to hell, where they belong.  Amen.

Comedic Interlude

Instead of blogging today, I wanted to take a comedic interlude.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lessons Life Taught Me by Regina Brett

 

This is advice written by Regina Brett, 90 years young, who wrote a column for the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio. She said, "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written." 

Thank you Regina, for these wonderful words of wisdom.  :)

 

 

 

"1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

"2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

"3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

"4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Some of your friends and all of your family will.

"5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

"6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

"7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

"8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

"9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

"10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

"11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

"12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

"13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

"14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

"15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry, God never blinks.

"16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

"17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

"18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

"19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

"20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

"21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

"22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

"23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

"24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

"25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

"26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

"27. Always choose life.

"28. Forgive but don’t forget.

"29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

"30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

"31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

"32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

"33. Believe in miracles.

"34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

"35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

"36. Growing old beats the alternative --- dying young.

"37. Your children get only one childhood.

"38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

"39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

"40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

"41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you think you need.

"42. The best is yet to come.

"43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Boomerang of Shame

Here is an excerpt from a letter I received after I posted yesterday’s blog, entitled “Don’t Quit: Re-new It!”  

“You claim to be a Christian but you write books about murder and on your blog you’ve condoned spanking, which is a form of abuse, and abortion which is killing.  The fact that you refer to yourself as a follower of Christ is apprehensible.” 

There was a time when receiving an email of this nature would have reduced me to tears.  Thankfully, those days are gone.  I have reached a point in my life where I am confident in who I am and in my relationship with God.  He loves me…everyone else doesn’t have to.  So, it is with a comical grin that I respond to this email.  

First, let me point out that I believe the word she meant to use was "reprehensible" and not "apprehensible." 

In regards to my books, the Just Call Me Angel series is a suspense series centered on the Mafia.  It would be virtually impossible to write a story about the mob that didn’t involve killing.  These books are fiction and in no way voice a personal conviction that murder is acceptable.  They are simply written to entertain readers.

Likewise, my debut novel, No Easy Way, and my short story, Petals of Blood, are also murder mystery/suspense novels.  I don’t want to point out the obvious, but when writing a murder mystery one sort of has to include an actual murder into the plotline.

Just because I am a Christian does not mean I should write books that fall into the Christian genre.  It’s neither my desire nor my calling.

As for the picture of spanking that was included in yesterday’s blog, I placed it there because I was talking about the Fifty Shades series, wherein spanking is an integral part of the story; not because I was in any way condoning physical abuse.  That being said, I do believe there are those that include spanking in their bedroom activities and I do not condemn them for doing so.  To each their own.  Live and let live. 

On the topic of abortion, you may read my blog, “Out-Of-The-Closet Confessions” if you’d like to better understand my thoughts.  

This email is a prime example of judgmental, holier-than-thou people, with whom (Christian or not) I disassociate myself.  It is this exact type of condemnation that drove me away from the church for twelve years of my adult life.  It is this attitude that I find UN-Christ-like, and I don’t want people to think ALL Christians are similar to the elitist few among us.

All Christians are not radical bigots.  All Christians don’t cast judgment and point fingers. 

Reading murder mysteries or writing murder mysteries doesn’t make me less of a Christian.  The fact that there may be whips and chains in someone’s bedroom, doesn’t make their heart less committed to Christ.  BUT… the fact that you judge others based solely on what you think you see or how you think things should be, tells me YOU are the one that should refer to your Bible and look up the passages about not judging others. 

So, if you’re without blemish, cast that stone; but, first, let me give you a piece of advice.  If I were you I’d duck, because I think your stone is a boomerang of shame...and it's headed right back-atcha! ~

 

 

 

Don't Quit: Re-New It!

I received an email and I’d like to share a portion of it with you, though, for discretion purposes, I will keep the writer anonymous. 

 

Dear Susan,

My husband and I just celebrated our 15 year anniversary and I’m thinking about leaving him. He’s a good person but I’m just not attracted to him anymore.  I’m an avid reader, romance novels in particular, but I’ve read your Angel series and I want to feel the passion that’s on the pages of these books.  Not the Fifty Shades kind of stuff but real romantic flare stuff.  Angel being grabbed and kissed by Tony or the love scene where she prayed the Lord’s prayer with Andrew or the mattress scene in Grayson’s hideout.  I want to be ravished by a man and my husband just isn’t that type of guy.  When we have sex I find myself going through the motions instead of actually enjoying it or desiring it.  I see you’ve been married longer than me and I’ve read your blogs on sex. What do you think I should do?  Do you think my marriage is over?  

 

My heart pours out to this woman.  If you’re married or have been in a long term relationship, you can probably relate to what she is feeling.  Romance novels are the top selling genre for a reason…because we ALL need romance on some level and we seek it out in books, movies and in real life. Every human being, male and female alike, has an innate desire to feel wanted, needed and ultimately loved.  We were not created to do life alone, which is why I have always stressed the importance of intimacy in relationships.

First, let me say this:  It is not my place to make a judgment call on whether a couple should stay together or part ways.  However, if you have both invested fifteen years in each other and in your life together, and if you still love one another, then I would encourage you not to give up.  Relationships hit plateaus and often times they need to be jump started.   That’s normal.  We tend to get busy with the chores of living and forget to focus on some of the things that matter most…the people in our life.  Often times, all that is needed is a reminder of how important you are to each other.

Second, it is normal to go through phases where you don’t feel attracted to your partner.  Sheer exhaustion alone can squelch desire faster than anything.  Carving out time together can help. 

Third, sex in real life is rarely as romantic and wonderful as it is on the pages of a novel.  I, too, enjoyed Fifty Shades but, in reality, would not want to experience many of the things she tried in the book.  Fantasizing is fun and should be used to enhance reality, but not replace it.  Keep in mind that the human imagination takes fantasy to heights that reality can never achieve.  Even if your partner lights candles all around the room, puts on soft music, lines the bed with fresh rose petals, and has chilled champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries waiting for you, it will not feel the same as what you see in the movies or what you read in a novel.  It can be romantic, but it will never be “new.” 

In novels and in movies we see people engaging in romance from the perspective of a new relationship, and we thus crave that stomach-tingling, excitedly-nervous, first-kiss sort of feeling.  This is no longer the reality for a long-term relationship.  Over time comfort replaces the stomach-tingling nerves, and familiarity replaces anticipation; but that doesn’t mean romance has died.

Too often people run into the arms of another, simply to satisfy their craving for the feeling and excitement of newness; but what happens when that newness wears off?  Do you then run to another, and another, and another?  Instead of destroying the relationship you’ve already built, the answer may be as simple as you and your partner trying some new things to spice up your love life.  It may just be time to get those juices flowing by getting creative in your lovemaking.

Here are some suggestions:

Read an erotic or romance novel together and pick out the things you like…then do them to each other.  Role play.  If he likes pig tails and bobby socks, then do it.  If she likes a leather jacket and studded dog collar, do it.  Make a commitment to each other to be radical about turning the other person on.  

Try some new positions.  I’m not talking about rolling over one time.  I’m talking about getting a little crazy.  Do it on the dresser, the countertop, in the shower, bent over the back of the couch, over the top of the coffee table, in the office, in the bathroom at a restaurant, in the car, on top of the car, on the patio, etc.  Get creative, just try not to get arrested in the process.

Use toys.  Vibrators.  Handcuffs.  Blindfolds.  Whips.  Whatever inspires you…try it.  If you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again.  But in your openness to attempt new things, you just might stumble upon something that both of you thoroughly enjoy.  AND…you’re creating your own little secrets.  You’re creating new memories; some that will be comical.  You’re inventing things that will later pop into your mind and you’ll look at each other from across the room and laugh.  No one will know why because it will be something only you two will share.  A connection.

Start having sex every day.  EVERY day.  Do this for one month and see how your relationship jolts back to life.  What you’ll find is that it’s hard to remain angry at or ignore someone with whom you are having sex.  It forces a level of intimacy that can often become stagnant or dried up in long term relationships.  Sex isn’t the end-all… but it’s a very fun way to rejuvenate the relationship.

So many couples stop talking about what they like in bed and then they slip into these routines of lovemaking that often leave both parties emotionally wanting.  See, sex isn’t just about physical gratification.  It’s about emotional intimacy. Intimacy is crucial in a relationship.  Sex is merely one part of the intimacy shared… but it is a very useful tool when you find yourself struggling to connect in other ways.  It has a way of opening up the communication conduit so that all levels of intimacy can flow more freely.

Sexual intimacy involves talking, touching, sharing, soothing and loving one another.  It’s a heart commitment that involves the actions of the body. 

In today’s world, we are so busy that we often forget to touch one another.  When too-busy-to-touch grows into too-exhausted-to-talk, our relationship begins to feel stagnant and our desire for one another dries up.  It doesn’t always mean we stopped loving… it simply means we need to shake off the dust and re-new the expression of that love.

Old relationships will never feel “new” again… but they can be actively “re-newed” and experience depths of intimacy a new relationship cannot. 

Don’t quit… Re-new it!