An "Action of Love" ...Not Really

I often wonder what travels through the minds of people.  I'm sure others wonder this about me as well.  It's human nature to be curious and to seek understanding.  I also wonder how it is that some people can so easily judge under the guise of "love."  How they can put so much time and effort into something that, when that time and effort is stripped away, is nothing more than a foundation of judgment, hidden in what is supposed to be seen as an action of love.  How is it that they believe it is their job or their right to take this action...even if it came from a place of love...Judgment rolled in love is still judgment.  Condemnation rolled in love is still condemning.

As I sip my coffee this morning and pray for a softer heart and understanding... the twinge in my gut and the nausea in my stomach is a sad confirmation of my initial reaction to this "act of love."  I pray for a way to define what I'm feeling so that I can dissect it, cut through the emotion and think rationally.  The word that keeps penetrating my thoughts is arrogance.

This "action of love" was dripping with arrogance and it sent a red flag soaring in my spirit.  Asking myself if I would ever do the same, the answer is a resounding no.  I wouldn't...but not because the thought behind it wasn't special...but because the river of arrogance carrying that thought is something to which I cannot relate.  I would never deem myself worthy enough to take this action.  I would never assume that I knew better than everyone else and that it was my duty to pass my knowledge, my perspective, my beliefs, my interpretations, and my outlooks onto them.  I would never assume that I knew more than anyone else.

How can an act of love send such a crushing blow?

Often times when judgment is dolled out under the pretense of love, we try to use that affection to justify the judgment; but it cannot.  There is no justification.  There is no blanket of love large enough to mask or hide the true spirit behind the action.

I don't sit here in anger this morning... I sit here in sadness.  Once more, arrogance has reared it's ugly head and taken out the feet of those it encountered.  Out of love, you say?

No.  Love waits and speaks when asked.  Love doesn't force or assume a position that is not theirs to assume.  Love doesn't push. Love doesn't drive a wedge.  "Love is patient and kind.  It does not envy or boast and it is not proud."

Thought, time and effort can be beautiful actions of love but only when they are not dipped in utter arrogance, laced with condemnation and a raw, hurtful action of judgment.

#crushed

 

Passive Aggressive Power

Sometimes biting one's tongue is an act of love and other times it's an act of passive aggression. 

I don’t deal well in the passive aggressive world.  Some would describe me as aggressive-aggressive, meaning I don’t use passive power-plays to try and manipulate other people.  If I want something or if I disagree with something, I’ll tell you straight out.  Maybe I’m just psychologically lazy in that I don’t have the time or energy to think through how to silently manipulate my environment.   Maybe passive aggressive people are gifted in a way… if so, it’s a gift I lack and I’m not going to try to develop the skill.  I roll more like the mafia characters in my books...straight forward...up front...in your face...badda big, badda boom.

For the most part, I find passive aggressive behavior hurtful.  I’ve never witnessed someone acting in a passive- aggressive manner for the betterment and well-being of others.  It has always been a selfish, power-play; one that has ultimately led to deeper wounds.

Some might say that being aggressive-aggressive is hurtful because it can result in arguments; but I disagree.  I would much rather have someone talk to me about their concerns or even holler their objections than try to quietly manipulate me.  I think to address something head-on shows a certain level of respect for the other person; to value them enough to treat them as if they are indeed worth your time and discussion. 

 

Using marriage as an example:  Married people argue…it is normal and researchers will tell you a certain degree of arguing can even be healthy for the relationship.  It shows that partners are able to hold on to their individuality and use their differences to enhance the marriage.  It is the partners who do not communicate that are in danger of permanently damaging the relationship.  Disagreeing isn’t a bad thing; stifling it until it harbors negative feelings between you and the other person, is.

Aggressive-aggressive people might scream, yell, curse and throw something across the room; but those are merely hurt-driven actions, not hate-driven motives.  There’s a big difference.  I’m not saying those things are good or right…merely that they are human responses and not premeditated actions of hatefulness.  When a person treats you with deliberate silence, it is a premeditated action designed as a power-play to cause hurt and the feeling of inferiority. 

Passive aggressive silence sends a clear signal that you are not worth the other person’s effort to speak.

 

Passive aggressive people use silence as a means to maintain a position of power over others.  It is indicative of the fact that they do not respect others enough to have a discussion, that they are unwilling to compromise and that they do not care one iota about anyone’s needs or how their silence affects others around them.  It is a selfish act of passivity, wherein they can proclaim to have fallen victim to someone else’s aggressive nature, when in reality they are the ones victimizing others with their power-play of silence.

Not everyone who takes extra time to process their thoughts or emotions is being passive-aggressive.   Sometimes a little time and space can be helpful in calming an otherwise heated situation.  There’s a big difference between healing silence and a passive-aggressive power struggle… and that difference is often so thick it becomes palatable. 

Silence can be golden, but it can also be a dagger.  The difference lies in the heart of the silent one.  ~

Destroyed Dream

Have you ever had the rug pulled out from under you?  It feels like someone kicked you in the chest and all you can do is try to breathe.  Just breathe.  After you manage to drink in that first breath, a numbing sensation rushes through your body…. I think it’s preparing you for the heartache you’re about to feel.  Your mind rushes with “whys” and then more “whys” as you try to analyze what happened to bring you to this point.  How could someone do this?  Why would someone do this?

Your analysis points you to a truth you don’t want to face; but it’s the only reasonable explanation.  They don’t care.  And maybe it isn’t even that they don’t care, but that they don’t care enough.  They care more about someone else’s heart than yours.  They must… because to have hijacked your life and plans not once, but knowingly and willfully a second time…well…it doesn’t get more painful.

 

Have you ever wanted to freeze time, to stop the world as if it were a giant Ferris Wheel and get off of the ride for a while?  Not permanently… but just for a bit. 

Have you ever had someone sabotage your relationships with lies and then, when you call them on it, turn around and blame you for stirring up trouble?

 

 

Have you ever felt that you stood completely alone?  That even those close to you wouldn’t open their mouths and say, this is wrong.  Instead, for the sake of peace, they threw your heart under the bus. 

The first time was deemed a terrible misunderstanding and everyone said, “NOW, we know how you feel and it won’t happen again.”  A few days later…again.   No one even bothered to think deeper about the ramifications of this decision.  No one even bothered to mention it to you.  They simply ripped the dream from your fingers, as if it were theirs to have...but it belonged to you.

Have you ever heard empty promises about how their way won't affect what you had planned...that everything will be fine...but every word they speak only proves what your heart has felt...it only proves that they don't understand.  They think you're angry, but you're not; you're broken.

Have you ever been so broken and hurt that you can’t stop the tears from filling up your eyeballs and flooding your face?  No matter how hard you try…they just keep coming.  And the only thing left to do is vow to yourself that you will never let this happen again.

Yeah…me too. ~